We are the matrix.
Or - I am a brain in a vat, or just out here by myself, making you all up.
I think the spiritual part of my brain prefers the previous or at least other civilization, but if its insanity, what difference does it make?
The scary thing is that I really am starting to be paranoid about it. At least that's different from plain old depression. Of course, I just got through a tough time in my life, and depression was already setting in. This seems more like a sad attempt to absolve myself of responsibility without going through physical suicide. I hope to God it's just a phase.
Part of the paranoid activity includes typing into this blog, even though THEY (haha, I use the term in jest, but damn it, typing it is actually scary), if they even existed, already are aware of what I'm thinking. So I guess this one is just for me. Call it solipsism then.
What is troubling is the almost certain loss of freedom that would come with actually going to a shrink. I beg God every day to make use of me, pretty much as I was taught. Really, that's the only thing that helps me get up in the morning, is the remote possibility that my imperfect and tainted actions could somehow be part of a bigger picture. I'm not hopeful that I'll ever find out what that might be.
Probably should double my meds. What I would really like to do is simply retire and spend my remaining days reading and learning about math and psychology, still dreaming that someday I might make a contribution, until some random disease or accident comes along and ends it for me. At any rate, this brain is tired.
Lord knows, I've tried. I even ordered one of those motivational books online, by Anthony Robbins. In years past I might have just inhaled it, but now I can't even get myself to pick the thing up. Meanwhile I feel compelled to read and dabble in the math that I abandoned in college. And dabbling is probably too strong a term.
